is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
As shirtless as possible
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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