the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
