Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
