Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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