Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
