Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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