Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
