the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
