Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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