I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
