I think i peed on brittanys purse
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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