I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
