you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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