you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm gonna fight the coyote
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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