hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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