You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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