it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize