I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
