Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
