saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
