my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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