laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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