if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
