So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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