So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i love accidental penises.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
