I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
