If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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