ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
