Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
