My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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