Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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