I want to have your abortion
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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