someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
