ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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