I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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