At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
