all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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