I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
