Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
