i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
