Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
