So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
