and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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