using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
