my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
