1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize