the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
false alarm, still single
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
