Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
