You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
