Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
