Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So apparently I’m into choking now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
