Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
