Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
