Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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