Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
